


I Absolutely Refuse to Acknowledge That This is My Fault

by Evilkitten3



Category: Durarara!!, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Attempted Murder, Crack, F/M, Gen, Other, Trolling, Various Naughty Words
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-24
Updated: 2015-08-05
Packaged: 2018-03-19 10:45:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3607251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evilkitten3/pseuds/Evilkitten3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Voldemort tries to summon Death, and ends up wishes he hadn't bothered. Alternatively, in which Shizuo gets angry, Shinra rambles about love, Izaya trolls absolutely everything/everyone, and Celty saves everyone without actually meaning to. Goblet of Fire/Raijin Days/1995</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I know that, in 1995, Izaya had never really met Celty, and Shizuo still didn't know that Celty was a woman. However, this story gets around that little plothole by using a device known to authors (and abridgers) as "not giving a shit". Currently, Izaya, Shinra, and Mikage are 16-17, Shizuo and Cedric are 17-18, Harry is 14, the twins are 7, Voldemort is somewhere in his 60s, and Celty is a Dullahan.

Cedric Diggory did not like where this was going. Granted, the idea of being used as a sacrifice to summon _Death himself_ was unappealing, but Cedric just so happened to think that, aside from his impending doom, summoning Death was just and all-around bad idea. The newly resurrected Lord Voldemort, however, apparently disagreed.

"Now, _rise_ , and heed _my_ summons, _Death_!!" Voldemort announced. If Cedric hadn't been terrified for his life, he would have probably told Voldemort that excessive exclamation marks and overuse over italics was unhealthy (it paid to have a Ravenclaw girlfriend). Instead, he opted for turning to Harry.

"Do you see any way out of this?" he asked, politely. It was important to be polite, Cedric thought, even if you _were_ about to die.

"Not really," Harry responded. "Unless whatever he's summoning kills him instead of us." That was unlikely, so Cedric didn't bother clinging to that hope.

There was a flash of light, and then everything went to hell.

***SCENE CHANGE NO JUTSU***

If Celty Sturluson were anyone else, she would have snapped by now. Luckily for everyone involved, Celty had spent the last, oh, _twelve years_ with Shinra and his crazy father, so she was used to this nonsense. Her shadows strained from the effort of putting up with Shizuo's ridiculous strength, as well as Izaya's acrobatic maneuvers (how he managed to be so graceful while suspended and bound in mid air, she didn't know, but he was doing it), but she somehow managed to hold them apart from one another.

[You're _sixteen_ ,] she wrote. [Can you please go for one day without trying to kill each other?]

"Sure," Shizuo growled, throwing another pointless punch at his enemy. "As soon as that damn flea _drops dead_!"

"Aw, that's sweet~" Izaya cooed. "I hope you drop dead too."

"Hold Shizuo-kun still so I can dissect him!" Shinra chirped. No one listened to him, partly because they were busy, and partly because at that moment the ground opened up and swallowed them all whole.

***SCENE CHANGE NO JUTSU***

Harry and Cedric stared. Voldemort and Pettigrew stared. The Death Eaters probably also stared, but it was impossible to tell. Celty, in her shock, dropped Shizuo and Izaya. All four looked around.

"This looks like Britain," said Izaya, in English.

" _What the fuck did you just say?_ " asked Shizuo, in Japanese. Unlike Izaya, he didn't spend ninety-eight percent of his free time obsessively becoming a polyglot.

"Who _are_ you?" Voldemort demanded. "Which one of you is _Death_?" Celty stepped forward, typing on her PDA.

[Hi there! My name is Celty.] She wrote. [I'm a Dullahan, if that's what you mean.] Voldemort glowered at her.

"Very well, _Dullahan_ ," Voldemort proclaimed. "I _demand_ immortality!!!"

"Wait, you can do that?" Izaya asked, turning towards the Headless Rider.

[I… don't think I can,] she replied. [I've never tried, though.]

"Why, do you want to be immortal?" asked Shinra, who had decided to learn English simply because. He also knew Irish, because Celty was Irish, and he thought she might appreciate that.

"Nah," Izaya decided. "That would make life boring."

" _Would someone please tell me what the hell is going on?_ " Shizuo growled.

"Deus ex Machina!" One of the Death Eaters called out, casting a translation spell. He did this partly because none of the wizards understood what Shizuo was saying, and partly because it's easier to make jokes that way.

"Oh, hey, thanks," said Shizuo, who now had a perfect understanding of the English language. Absently, Harry wondered how a random Death Eater knew a translation spell, even though he distinctly remembered Fudge having no way to cross the language barrier with the Brazilian Minister back at the Quidditch World Cup. He'd assumed that wizards had to learn new languages the Muggle way, but it was possible that Fudge was just an idiot.

"I, _Lord_ Voldemort, have brought you these two _sacrifices_!" said Voldemort. "I _present_ them to you, _Death_ , in _exchange_ for my _immortality_!!!!" If Celty had eyes, she would have blinked. Since she didn't, Shinra did it for her.

"I don't think she can do that," the future doctor told the Dark Lord. "Sorry."

" _What_?" Voldemort bellowed. "I _command_ her to!!!" Shinra shrugged.

"She can't do what she can't do," he said simply. Izaya glanced down at his watch, and paled.

"Oh shit, I'm late." He hissed. Everyone turned to look at him. "I have a date with Mikage in _half-an-hour_ ," he explained, face completely white. "If I'm not on time…" he trailed off, looking horrified.

"What, she'll do something horrible to you?" Cedric asked, feeling empathy towards the younger boy. Izaya shook his head.

"Not what you're thinking," he said. He paused for dramatic effect. " _I won't get laid_." The Death Eaters (and Cedric) gasped in horror. Voldemort, who didn't know what that meant, and Harry, who'd never had a girlfriend, just blinked. Shinra, Celty, and Shizuo just rolled their eyes (well, Celty's eye-roll was a metaphorical one, obviously, but…).

"Dumbass." Shizuo sneered, feeling proud for knowing something Izaya didn't. "There's a time difference between Japan and Britain. Your watch is fast."

"Don't be stupid, stupid," Izaya sneered right back. Izaya, Harry and Cedric saw, had mastered the art of sneering, smirking, and scowling all at once. "Why the hell would my watch be set to _British_ time?" Shizuo shrugged.

"You're a freak of nature," he said simply.

"Says the uncultured brute."

"You goddamn flea!"

"Oversized amoeba!"

"Prick!"

"Protozoan!"

"Slimy little parasite!"

" _Shizu-chan._ " Celty's shadows snatched both of them up, and they continued to yell insults at each other, just a little more than an arm's length apart.

"They'll be at this for a while," Shinra said cheerfully. "We might as well take care of business now." He turned to Voldemort, eyes gleaming. "Might I ask where your nose is?"

"The _Great Lord Voldemort_ needs no _nose_!!!!" Voldemort declared. A scalpel appeared in Shinra's hand.

"Really…" he murmured, a grin spreading over his face. "Would you mind if I dissected you?" Celty decided that he needed to be restrained too. "Celty! My love! I won't dissect him if you don't want me to, but at least let me–" Maybe a gag wasn't a bad idea either.

"Oh, hey!" Izaya called, turning towards Voldemort. "Can you send me home now, Mr. Freaky Snake Man?"

"How _dare_ you call _Lord Voldemort_ a 'freaky snake man'?" Voldemort snarled angrily (not that there's really any other way to snarl). "I am the most _powerful_ wizard in the _world_!!!" Harry scowled.

"Dumbledore's a better wizard than you," he muttered. Voldemort ignored him in favor of repeating himself. Izaya looked unimpressed.

"Yeah, well, _I_ am teenager with an IQ of 178," he snapped. "Top that, _Mr. Freaky Snake Man_." Voldemort shot a spell at him that was probably the Killing Curse. Izaya back flipped out of the way. "Aw, are you jealous because I have a sexy girlfriend and you just have that crazy chick?"

"How'd you know about Bellatrix?" Voldemort asked.

"How'd you get an IQ that high?" Cedric asked.

"How'd you do a back flip while restrained by a magic shadow?" Harry asked.

"Is your girlfriend really that sexy?" a random Death Eater asked. Izaya took a deep breath, but Shinra answered for him.

"He's got an information network almost as big as his ego, he's a genius in everything except not being a dick (and he cheated on the IQ test), he practices parkour because Shizuo-kun is always trying to kill him, and Sharaku Mikage was voted 'most attractive girl in the school' last year, so yes." the bespectacled man said this all very quickly, and Harry absently wondered if he was related to Hermione.

"Way to steal my thunder, Shinra," Izaya grumbled. Shinra just grinned.

"Okay, this is pissing me off," Shizuo growled.

"Generic random insult," Izaya responded, too lazy to come up with an actual snarky comment.

" _Well_ , if you _refuse_ to _grant_ me _immortality_ , then you're of _no_ use to me, _scum_!!!" Voldemort announced, feeling a bit forgotten. He raised his wand. " _Avada Kedavra_!" The spell slammed into Celty, who, being a Dullahan, was completely unaffected. Voldemort stared. "You're supposed to be dead," he told her.

[Sorry,] Celty responded. [I don't think it works like that.]

"Oh, hey, that was pretty neat!" Izaya chirped. "So 'Kedavra' must come from 'cadaver', which is Latin for 'corpse', which is pretty clever, seeing as your name is 'Lord Voldemort'. 'Voldemort', as you surely already know, is French for 'flight of death' (which is kinda pretentious, come to think of it), so having a spell with the word 'cadaver' in it really adds to the whole death motif you've got going on."

"Thank you, Captain Exposition," said Cedric, who had been feeling a bit left out. Harry, who had only had three lines up to now, decided not to comment.

At that moment, with a flash, a blue police box appeared out of nowhere, and out jumped Barty Crouch Jr., because apparently this joke hasn't been made enough.

"My Lord!" Barty proclaimed, forgetting that he still looked like Mad-Eye Moody. "I have returned to service you!"

"Uh, gross." the random Death Eater who isn't important enough to get a name (TRDEWIIETGAN) said. Voldemort rolled his eyes.

"Oh, grow up," the poster boy for 'psychopathic manchild' snapped. When no one was looking, Izaya snatched the TARDIS and disappeared, figuring it would be both an easy way to get to Mikage, and a nice souvenir. Lack of parental guidance had screwed him up more than he'd like to admit.

"Hey, that's mine!" Barty protested, who had apparently been looking even though the last paragraph said that no one had been. Shizuo shrugged.

"At least he's gone," the faux blond pointed out. There was a flash, and the TARDIS returned. "GODDAMMITSHIT!!!!!" Izaya flung himself out the door, his twin sisters clinging to his shoulders.

"Best vacation ever," he declared.

"Wee!" said Mairu.

"Wee." Kururi agreed.

"Aw, they're cute!" said TRDEWIIETGAN. Izaya snorted.

"Give them five minutes," he said flatly. "They won't be so cute when they're tearing out your spleen and feeding it to your children."

"Can I have my TARDIS back?" Barty Crouch asked hopefully.

"Sorry, it's ours now," said Izaya cheerfully. With tremendous effort, he rotated the police box so that Barty Crouch could see the door, which had been decorated in bright pink spray paint that read: PROPERTY OF THE ORIHARA TRIO.

"Why is it in English?" Cedric asked. "Aren't you guys Japanese?"

"Mairu and Kururi don't speak English," Izaya explained, conveniently forgetting about the translation spell. "But English is the most well-known language, so Kururi just chose the color and Mairu chose the wording."

"That makes sense," said Gandalf, who had simply happened by. "By any chance, have any of you fine folk seen an invisible midget with a ring?" Harry, sick of not having any lines, opened his mouth to point out that seeing an invisible anything was pretty much impossible, but Izaya got there first.

"We sure did!" he chirped. "He ran off that way."

"As long as he isn't lost," Gandalf said gravely, deciding that it would be too much trouble to actually do anything about it. He wandered off, presumably to find some more midgets and send them off on dangerous adventures against their will.

"Can I go home now?" Shizuo asked. "I don't want Kasuka to worry."

"Die, _muggle_!" Voldemort announced. He would have just yelled, but he thought announcing sounded more professional.

"What's a muggle?" Shizuo asked.

"A non-magic person," Harry explained, glad to finally get a word in.

"Shizu-chan isn't normal," Izaya noted. "But I'm all for killing him. Don't let me stop you. Full steam ahead, freaky snake guy!"

"Is he _ever_ going to _stop_ calling me _that_?" asked Voldemort, too exasperated to emphasize as much as he usually would.

"Not a chance," Shinra told him happily. "Once he's given you a nickname, it'll be written on your grave~"

" _Lord Voldemort_ shall _never_ have a _grave_!" Voldemort sneered.

"What, never?" Izaya asked, surprised. "Wow, people must hate you more than they hate me!" Mairu tugged on her brother's sleeve.

"Wanna go a-toilet," she informed him, using what little English she knew. It wasn't clear _why_ those particular words had stuck with her, but the seven year old was developing a talent for spewing out the most awkward words at the most awkward times. Izaya was very proud. Kururi tugged on her brother's other sleeve.

"Wanna-wanna sweetie," she said. Kururi's grasp of the English language was not enough to fully utilize her odd way of speaking, so she had simply decided to quote Terry Pratchett books. Izaya was very proud.

"No." said her brother flatly. "Sweeties are bad for you." Kururi tugged on his hair, not because she was disappointed by what he'd said, but because she hadn't understood a word of it. She still didn't speak English.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Well, chapter two of 'A Fate Worse Than Death' is done, so I figured I should probably get to work on chapter two of this story as well. To be entirely honest, I have no idea what I'm doing with this story, but I think I'll end it in a couple chapters because it really isn't going to go anywhere. If you like, I can probably manage a fic where Izaya and the gang (meaning Namie, Saki, and Masaomi) come to Hogwarts in Harry's fifth year (ignoring the huge plot hole of crossing a series that takes place in the 1990s with a series that takes place about ten years later) because maybe the twins go there or something. Hey, if Izaya can have an iPhone four years before the production was even announced (and six years before the iPhone was available in Japan), I can write another crossover. No promises, though.
> 
> WARNING: This chapter contains political bullshit that I made right the hell up for the sole purpose of wondering whether or not anyone could actually sit through it. Kudos if you can, but feel free to skip it.

Izaya swatted Kururi's hand from his hair, and the seven-year-old drooled on his shoulder in response.

" _What_ are you _waiting_ for? _Kill_ them!" Voldemort ordered, puffing out his chest in an effort to not look like he was suffering malnutrition. Consuming nothing but unicorn blood for thirteen-fourteen years hadn't really done anything for his physique. The Death Eaters were enough smart enough to avoid mentioning their master's declining physical health or too stupid to notice. Mairu, however, was neither of these things.

"Stick man!" she shrieked happily. She had somehow found a book of childish insults and had learned a little more English offscreen in order to read it.

"Kill _her_ first," Voldermort growled. The Death Eaters blinked, having no idea who 'Voldermort' was. Realizing his mistake, Voldemort erased the extra 'r'.

"My Lord!" the Death Eaters – who had at some point devolved into some sort of hive mind – exclaimed. "We didn't see you there!" Voldemort blinked.

"Uh… just kill the kid," he decided. The Death Eaters nodded.

"Aw, come on!" TRDEWIIETGAN protested. "She's cute!" The Death Eaters shuffled about for a bit until Voldemort conceded the point.

"She _is_ rather _adorable_ ," the Master of Mischief admitted.

"I disagree," said the Dastardly Duke. Voldemort scowled.

"You're both wrong!" he declared. Everyone stared at him as he waited for the Master of Mischief and the Dastardly Duke to reply. Since they were figments of his imagination, they continued to not exist.

"I have absolutely no idea what's going on," Cedric sighed. Harry was about to agree with him when–

"Same here," Shizuo said. Cedric sent him a small smile and Harry glowered at him for stealing his precious screentime.

"I wonder what's for dinner," Izaya mused. He pondered on this for a moment before remembering that his parents were never home and he was the one who made dinner. "I think we'll go out for udon." He decided.

"I want cake," Mairu told him.

"No cake," Izaya scolded. "Cake is unhealthy."

"More importantly, isn't cake a dessert?" Harry asked. Izaya scoffed.

"You silly Americans."

"We're British." Harry said, wondering how Izaya could have possibly mixed up the two, especially as he was the first to realize that he was in Europe anyway.

"Then why are you in Scotland?" Izaya asked triumphantly.

"How does being in Scotland make us American?" TRDEWIIETGAN asked.

"Ignore him, he's crazy." Shinra said, whose gag had apparently been removed – a faulty decision on Celty's part, really.

"Magic cup!" Kururi declared, picking up the Triwizard Cup.

"No, wait!" Harry, Cedric, and Voldemort yelled. Kururi promptly vanished, and Mairu clapped, very impressed.

"Want! Want! Want!" She chanted. Izaya poked her. Shizuo wished he hadn't woken up that morning.

***SCENE CHANGE NO JUTSU***

The crowd gasped as the Cup appeared in front of them, especially seeing as it had a seven year old clinging to it rather than a teenager.

"Wee!" exclaimed the seven-year-old. "Again! Again!" She promptly grabbed the Cup again and disappeared. A moment later, she reappeared, this time with another similar looking girl and a teenage boy with a strong resemblance to one Harry Potter. All three were laughing madly.

"Best. Day. Ever!" the boy declared.

"Pardon me," said Dumbledore politely. "But have you seen–"

"I already told you, the invisible midget went–"

"I'm not Gandalf." Dumbledore said flatly, annoyed that the teen had cut him off. The teenager pouted, and the girls quickly followed suit. It was adorable.

"Oh, okay," he said, sounding disappointed. "Can we keep the magic cup, then? We already got a TARDIS from that guy with the funny eye, but I want to give the cup to my girlfriend. She's always wanted a portal to a graveyard full of bad guys, so this is the next best thing."

"A graveyard full of bad guys?" Dumbledore gasped, realization washing over him. "Were these 'bad guys' wearing hoods and masks?" The teen shrugged.

"Pretty poor fashion statement, if you ask me," he said. "Speaking of fashion statements, we should go check on that TARDIS." Snatching up the two girls, the teen grabbed onto the Cup and vanished once more. Dumbledore shook his head disapprovingly at the boy's failure to capitalize the word 'cup' when he spoke. A few moments later, the Cup reappeared, this time with Harry Potter, Cedric Diggory, a teen with glasses, a biker wearing a yellow helmet with kitty ears, and a blonde guy who looked like he was about to break something. A couple seconds after that, there was a blue flash of light, and the TARDIS appeared next to the Cup. The teen that looked a bit like Harry and the two little girls hopped out, along with a girl who clearly had no idea what was going on but still seemed to be having a blast.

"I don't understand anything anymore," Ron groaned. Hermione gave him a pat on the back and refrained from pointing out that there wasn't much Ron had understood in the first place.

\-----THIS IS A LINE BREAK-----

"So, let me get this straight," Fudge said. "You're saying You-Know-Who returned from the dead, summoned these… people from Japan, attempted to gain immortality from one of them, and one of his Death Eaters managed to cast a translation spell that doesn't actually exist which is why the blond one understands English. And you _really_ expect me to believe all that?" Izaya cleared his throat.

"In fairness," the future informant began. "I doubt that Shizu-chan could have learned a new language in any other way. Actually, I'm amazed that an ape like him can even speak Japanese properly. Oops, I just insulted apes, didn't I~"

"Izaya, you bastard!" Shizuo roared. Celty promptly bound them both with her shadows. Fudge blinked.

"Well, the creepy shadows are helping your case," he admitted. "But there's still no way I can accept that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has returned."

"Stick man." Kururi told him. Mairu shrieked with laughter.

"Look, maybe it was just someone who _looked_ like him," Fudge suggested.

"He's Harry Potter," Izaya pointed out. "One would think he knows what his mortal enemy looks like." Dumbledore shifted uncomfortably, but before Izaya could continue, Harry piped up.

"I thought you were a Muggle," he said. "Why do you know about me?"

"I know everything!" Izaya declared happily. "Also, I'm a god."

[[He has a bit of an ego problem,]] Celty told Fudge. [[I can gag him, if you like.]] Fudge sighed.

"Unfortunately, he's a witness," the Minister of Magic grumbled. "He's not a wizard, so his testimony won't be taken quite as seriously, but I do need to know what he knows."

"You won't erase my memory, right?" Izaya asked, looking slightly worried.

"Can't," Fudge waved off his concerns tiredly. "I don't want to start a war, you know. I am required to inform the Japanese Bureau of Magic about you, but they don't usually wipe minds if you can prove that it's not necessary. On top of that, I'm fairly certain they'll just ignore you if you already had knowledge of the Magical World, which you clearly did, before today."

"Actually, we're from Ikebukuro," Izaya told him. Fudge groaned.

"Oh Merlin," he mumbled. "Since you brought that up, I'm going to assume that you're already aware that Ikebukuro is not technically within the Bureau's jurisdiction, though it is considered an unofficial part of Magical Japan."

"Wait, why is Ikebukuro outside of the Bureau's jurisdiction?" Professor McGonagall asked. "I'd always thought the laws there were simply not enforced properly." Fudge pinched the bridge of his nose, not looking like he wanted to explain. Being the kindhearted soul he was, Izaya decided to answer for him.

"Every country in the UN has a section or more for individuals of… questionable origin. Namely, creatures considered mythological, humans with abilities that don't fall under the classification of 'witchcraft' or 'wizardry', and normal people that are aware of all of these things. Celty falls under the first category, Shizu-chan falls under the second, and Shinra, my sisters, and I fall under the last category." Izaya explained. "These sections are usually referred to as 'Dead Zones', mostly due to the irony. There are various sections of Tokyo that qualify as Dead Zones, such as Shinjuku and Toshima, but there're also a few spots in the countryside. America has at least one in every state, by law, which adds up to a total of over one hundred Dead Zones. California, Illinois, and New York have around fifteen each, actually. Europe is a bit more complicated, as the UK has just one magical government due to political reasons. Fun fact: Loch Ness is a Dead Zone solely because of the Loch Ness monster. Anyway, people in Dead Zones aren't under the control of the magical government at all, even if they're wizards or witches. The non-magical government is responsible for them, though the Irish Courts often get involved when the situation involves Fae, like Celty."

"How do you know all that?" Harry asked, amazed.

"I know everything," Izaya said simply.

"Do you know why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch™?" Shinra asked, grinning. Celty promptly gagged him.

"I'm not sure if you're a genius or a show off," Cedric said. Izaya shrugged.

"Bit of both," he admitted, not looking at all ashamed. "Ah, and next time you want information, you'll have to pay me."

"That's right, you said something about becoming an info broker," the brunette girl who'd been silent up until then finally spoke up. "That's dangerous, but I'm sure Izaya-san can handle it." Izaya beamed at her.

"See, this is why I take you places!" he said happily. "Saki-chan understands me, unlike _some_ people."

"I thought you only had two sisters," Shizuo said, looking suspicious.

"Saki-chan isn't my sister," said Izaya flatly. "I'm her guardian."

"You can't be much older than seventeen!" Hermione protested. "How on earth can you be her guardian?"

"Sixteen," Izaya corrected her. "Unless we're doing business, in which case I'm twenty-one. Also, I never said anything about doing it legally." Fudge frowned.

"Aren't you a bit young to break the law?" he asked. Izaya didn't miss a beat.

"Yes. Yes I am."

"That's never stopped you," Shizuo growled. Izaya snickered.

"This coming from the guy who causes literally 78% of the city's property damage?" he asked, grinning. If Shizuo hadn't been restrained by Celty, he likely would have murdered the younger teen. Hermione turned to the young girl.

"Your English is very good," she said politely, wondering how to phrase her question without offending anyone.

"Izaya-san taught me English," Saki said simply. "Unlike Mairu-chan and Kururi-chan, I paid attention. They only listened when Terry Pratchett got involved."

"Fair enough," Hermione agreed. She quite liked Terry Pratchett – the Discworld was her favorite fantasy series. Her favorite book was ' _Equal Rites_ ', her favorite character was Susan Sto-Helit, and Pratchett was one of her favorite authors – when it came to fiction, anyway.

"How do we get back to Japan?" Shizuo asked. "I don't want Kasuka to worry." Ron turned to him.

"Casca?" he asked, confused. "Who's that?"

"His boyfriend," Izaya told him. This time, Celty didn't even try to stop Shizuo from punching Izaya through the wall.

"HE'S MY BROTHER, YOU FREAK!!!!" Shizuo roared. "AND I'M NOT GAY!!!!"

"You shouldn't use so many exclamation marks," Cedric told him. Shizuo gave him a very dark look, and Cedric decided to shut up.

"You've never had a girlfriend," Izaya pointed out, climbing back in through the hole Shizuo had created.

"How are you still alive?" Harry wondered.

"I don't want to hurt anyone!" Shizuo snapped. "Except you, flea. Go die."

"Wanna go a toilet," Mairu piped up. Izaya let out a sigh, but before he could ask where the restroom was, Mairu giggled. "Too late." Izaya blanched.

"Dammit, Mairu, not again!" he complained.

"Your sisters still wet themselves?" Cedric asked, surprised. Izaya groaned.

"Only Mairu," he grumbled. "And she does it on purpose because she thinks it's funny that I have to clean up her piss."

"No, seriously," Harry really didn't want the conversation to continue on the subject of Mairu's bladder. "How the hell are you still alive?" Izaya stared at him.

"I'm awesome, obviously." He replied.

"YOU WERE PUNCHED THROUGH A WALL!!!!" Harry yelled. "You fell at least forty feet and were back in a second!" Cedric sighed.

"Don't use so many exclamation points, Harry."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Next time: Cedric's war against poor punctuation continues! Voldemort faces off against the voices in his head! Kururi goes on adventures with the TARDIS! Saki learns magic! Izaya changes Mairu's diaper! Okay, none of that stuff is going to happen. Probably. Well, some of it might. To be honest, this story isn't going to be extremely long. See you, guys~ ;P

**Author's Note:**

> AN: I'm a horrible person. Oh well. Anyway, I already know that at least one person will read this, so I'll post it after school (or during school, if I get really bored in 4th or 6th period). Also, to my AO3 readers, most of my stories are on FF.net, and I'm thinking about bringing them over here as well. I'd like some thoughts on this, but be warned that I'm going to have made up my mind by the end of the day (the actual day, not the school day), so any feedback will have to been in by then. Also, some of my work is on a flashdrive that I, being who I am, will probably never see again. This will not change anything, but I thought you should know that that's going to make it take a bit longer to get everything up. Also, since I can't bring Vorona into the story (☹), I will accept suggestions for a Shizuo pairing. Can't say for sure whether it'll happen, but there's a definite possibility.
> 
> Lastly, before anyone says that Izaya and Mikage never slept together, it should be noted that Izaya just said that he hadn't raped, which made Eijirō freak out and question whether they'd had consensual sex (very loudly), which made Mikage dropkick him across the street – all of that implies that, yes, they slept together. My personal headcanon is that Mikage dropped out after getting pregnant, but that won't show up here. As for the TARDIS, I feel like I should clarify that Izaya is not a Time Lord (Kururi might be, though).


End file.
